Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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