Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
