she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
