dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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