hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
