Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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