Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
