Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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