if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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