Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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