Say something about gay babies.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
