We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
