Pants 0. Shit 1.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
