I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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