The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
