I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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