Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
