I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
