i think i have two assholes
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think I sprained my soul last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Randomize
