8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
