im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
