Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
