Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This toilet bowl is my home.
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