This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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