the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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