theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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