Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
