you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
