we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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