He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
