I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
