i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
