Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
