Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
