i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
