Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
