That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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