I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize