I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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