I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
