You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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