Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
did you just send me my own nude
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
