If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
