Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize