Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
