you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
