I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
