I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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