I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
