I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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