Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
