Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
