I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize