people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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