So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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