Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
