ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A bitchslap is in order.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
