oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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