I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
As shirtless as possible
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize