i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
