you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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