Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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