On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
